In which, no one dies.

Okay, so medical stuff doesn’t really freak me out usually.  Sadness was the part of me who had hypochondria, and was sure everything was killing her.  That’s not me. Not normally.  I’m over here close to 30, when I shouldn’t even be 21 yet, and there is a lot going on with this body.  On top of the almost 20 surgeries that Sadness subjected it too, there is aging, and weight changes (I’m talking gaining and losing 100 pounds here.) This body is not the body I am used to, and it seems to have a lot of issues.  It’s not that I am scared to go to the doctor, per say, but I don’t want to be put on a bunch of medications that may or may not work, and most definitely will have some sort of side effect. I’ve lived vicariously through Sadness and so we have been through that before, many times. Not something I am wanting to do again. Ignorance is bliss, right?

But, my mom, who is in a weird place with me now, just had an abnormal biopsy.  And this is real, and it is scary. She had hypothyroidism, and had to have some radiation to kill her thyroid, and be put on synthetic thyroid medicine.  Then they found some lumps. 3 nodules, they called them.  So she had a biopsy, and she got the results. Not all clear. It’s not nothing. Now she has to have surgery to remove her thyroid, and get tested to see if it is cancer, and how advanced things have gotten.  Her hypothyroidism is back, and I don’t know if that is because she isn’t great with taking her medication, or because of whatever is going on with these nodules, but NOT GOOD.

She is taking everything as to be expected. On the one hand she is saying I am strong, I survived dying from a heart attack, and look here I am. On the other hand, she is crying, and telling be how her brother got cancer, and he died so, so quickly.  She said if it is cancer, she would do the chemo or radiation or whatever they told her.  She isn’t ready to die, she said.     She doesn’t even go back to the doctor for three weeks to meet with the surgeon, so it can’t be that serious right? Right?? I mean they wouldn’t wait so fucking long if they thought it was life or death or anything. I hope.

Mom and I are in a weird place, because she doesn’t understand who I am anymore. And I don’t understand the relationship dynamic she had with Sadness, and so she is both upset and disappointed with me, although not making any effort to have the relationship that they had. I am over here, thinking why can’t you just be my mom, why do we have to be best friends? Especially, if I am the one who has to make all the effort, and it isn’t even something I care about.  But now she is sick, and potentially very badly. So I feel guilty. Shouldn’t I make all the effort, every single day, just so I can spend what possibly little time I have with her, trying to make her happy? But, that isn’t me.  I want her to be happy. I want us to be family. I just don’t know why I have to call every single day…..

AND, selfishly, now that she is sick, and who knows how long she has put off going to the doctor (a long fucking time, she hates doctors), I can’t help wondering, should I go get checked out.  Should I have an MRI to make sure this is just mental illness, and that I don’t have dissociative identity disorder due to a brain tumor, or a stroke, or something like that.  I mean it wouldn’t take too much time out of my jam-packed schedule of doing nothing to find out.  But, what if it is bad.

Ignorance is bliss, and no one is dying.







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