So I figured some stuff out about me and my others or maybe I didn’t and I am making everything up, but it feels real to me and correct so here is what I think.
There is the original Kattie, who I have been calling Future Kattie, but now that I live in the future I feel like it’s probably weird for me to call her Future Kattie, and since I need another name for her I am choosing Sadness. She felt like Sadness from Inside Out and Dementors from Harry Potter were her spirit animals, so I think Sadness is a good name for her. Anyway, so we share the same back story all the way up until 2008, then she goes her own way, while I was not yet in existence, and when I came here I was back in the 2007-2008 times. Anyway, typical story for someone with mental illness, fucked up childhood, alcoholic parents, shitty friends, abusive relationship, basically just fucked. I lived through all of that also. But for her things go even more sideways. We meet the love of our lives and move in with him *Happy Dance* and things get way way better. We have jobs, and college, and parties, and fun. (I lived through this part too.) But then they start trying to have a baby, and Sadness can’t have one. And she develops a haunting, dissociative identity disorder, DID, mental illness, multiple personality disorder, alters, muweird cache of anxieties and depression. For which, she seeks no treatment. The baby thing gets worse, and she ends up with no baby and a hysterectomy, so no baby, EVER. And for Sadness this is like the ultimate shitty thing to ever happen to her. She starts spiraling deeper and deeper into depression. She feels like she has no purpose now, and it gets really fucked up. She starts sleeping up to 18 hours a day, and just doing nothing always. Doctors tell her it’s chronic fatigue syndrome and she ends up on all kinds of antidepressants which make things so much worse. She has hallucinations and night terrors, and things are just super out of control. She starts behaving very oddly, and losing control of her body. Like she would just start flinging her arms around, over and over, or pull on her shirt over and over, or smack her lips together. Just a bunch of weird repetitive shit. She would pass out a lot and zone out a lot and there was no getting her attention. She read a book called Brain on Fire and she ended up thinking that maybe this wasn’t all just weird ass shit maybe she was having focal seizures. And so it’s back to doctors who are unsure. And then she starts having these weird regression spells mixed in with all the other weirdness. (That’s foreshadowing for an alter btw.) And finally she has an episode at a doctor’s office, who freaks out, and her and her husband (yes, love of our life marries her!) go to the ER, where she is evaluated and diagnosed with complex partial (AKA focal) seizures. Then it is off to the neurologist, the first of whom, runs zero tests, and says she is faking. Off to a great start. By this point the episodes or seizures are multiple times per day. Next neuro diagnoses epilepsy and sends Sadness to spend four scary days in an EMU (epilepsy monitoring unit) downtown, hooked up to machines, and monitored via video 24/7. That’s right no privacy folks. Watch what you say cause they hear everything. The results come back with seizures yes, but epilepsy no. Diagnoses now Psuedo Seizures. Back to nuero who argues for both epilepsy and psuedo seizures, because not all seizures show up on tests (which is untrue, she just did not want to be wrong). So Sadness starts a series of anti-seizure drugs, and for counseling, and is diagnosed with PTSD on top of everything else, due to the aforementioned shitty life. Husband is the only shining light through everything. Through all the sad shit, and weirdness, he is there, right by her side, ALWAYS. Drugs make her way worse, and she is just constantly spiraling. She gets off the drugs, and seems better. Still has episodes, but not as often, not as bad. But then people start trying to sell her drug babies, and offering to surrogate for her, and all of these offers, turn up with Sadness still not getting a baby she so desperately desires. She wants to die. She is tired of suffering. Her brain doesn’t want to die, and used the seizures to protect itself, but it wasn’t enough. She goes back to the doctor, and gets new anti-depressants. They work! She is happy! She is free. But then they wear off. Hope kills her. So she goes to up the dose, but it was too late for her. She couldn’t take it anymore. So here I am.
I am here because Husband fell in love with me. I can take care of him, and he won’t be alone. She didn’t want to live, but she didn’t want to die either. She just wanted to sleep forever. And now she can. Because I am here. I am happy. We live in a mansion, and I don’t even have to work. Husband is super handsome, and has these super cute eye skrinkles. And I am in love and I am happy, and she is sleeping so she is happy. And I am adjusting because I haven’t lived here very long, but Sadness let me have all of her memories, so I can navigate this new future world. Since we are all Kattie, and it is hard to differentiate she is Sadness, and I can be Kattie Kaboom, because I am fiesty, and sometimes I get mad and explode with OFF WITH THEIR HEADS style anger, but I calm down quick and go back to being happy.
So remember before when I mentioned the foreshadowing, I don’t think those regression episodes were seizures. I think the regression parts were the first split. I think brain decided seizures were not enough, and that was the first split. Since she is like a little kid we can call her Kid Kattie. She is the one I am most afraid of. Sadness wanted to sleep, so I am here, and she is sleeping. But what does Kid Kattie want? I don’t want to share my time with her or any others (hopefully there are none!!) But what can I do if she wants to be here too. So far all is quiet on that front, but I have had a couple of nightmares where she takes over, and I don’t know if it is just a dream or if she is sending me a message, or if she is fighting to get out. The other day Husband thought I was acting a little weird, and so I took a nap, because I was feeling unwell. But I am worried, was it Kid Kattie trying to get out, or was it just fatigue, and illness? Fuck who knows.