There are many times when you are expected to be happy for someone: when they get married, when they get pregnant, just in general when they are happy. But what if your happiness for them is hampered by crippling jealousy? It is hard to be super excited for your friends and family, when they are getting something you have wanted more than anything, and you can’t have it.
I am at an age, where most of my friends have children, or are having children, or planning on having children. I love their kids, and can’t wait to be a part of their future children’s lives. I am excited for them, except when I’m not. Being emotionally and financially ready to have a baby, and not being able to sucks. Infertility sucks. Having a hysterectomy at 24 sucks. It isn’t fair for everyone you know to be having their second or third child, while you don’t get to have any. It is hard to smile and say congratulations, without a brief look of dismay upon first hearing the news (which your friend notices, I promise.) It is hard to talk to them or think about them without ugly crying in your bathroom for the first few weeks after finding out that they are pregnant, at least for me it is. Even though it has been two years since my surgery, and some days I feel super over it, (I don’t even want a baby) and totally fine, (look at all this money we have) and in complete control (we can go sky diving or on safari), there are some days when I can’t handle it, (why does she get to have a baby) where I’m not even a little okay, (that person has like 6 kids already!) and that this all sucks (if I see one more FUCKING baby commercial…) It’s normal to feel this way. I’m allowed to have good days, and bad days for the rest of my life (hopefully mostly good), and luckily I have a very supportive and loving husband to help me through the awful days.
People deserve to be happy about their pregnancies, and no one should have to tip toe around their infertile friends, including me. This is the happiest time of your life, and I appreciate my friends for letting me share that with them, even if it makes me a little sad sometimes.